Brassed Off
OUR READER may remember that we once made much of a spate of ‘faux pas’ from Tynemouth’s prodigal son Barry Stewart. These became colloquially known as 'Stewartisms' and only came to halt when either 'Wor Baz' took to engaging his brain before opening his mouth or the column’s good friend and controller of the Tynemouth Media Machine Russell Perry found bigger fish to fry and moved on to Sky Television.
Fear ye not as redemption has recently appeared in the shape of a Harry Potter look-alike. Henceforth 'Stewartisms' will be replaced by 'Cooperisms' and judging by the evidence so far look set to eclipse even 'Wor Baz’s' best.
The Cooper in question is young Tim, not necessarily nice and whilst not unintelligent certainly lacking in sense of the common variety. The column’s young associate despite his habitual appearances for Stockton seconds is not overly renowned for his cricketing capability but more for his expertise on the euphonium. A member of the Tees Valley Youth Orchestra, ‘Cooperman’ was unceremoniously dumped from band camp for plying his younger charges with alcohol. This minor misdemeanour, however, is not our reason for drawing his existence to our reader’s attention. Indeed, our tale stems more from his use or rather misuse of a mobile phone. We must point out that the misuse in question bares no resemblance to the misuse that was inflicted on a similar object by several England footballers.
Several weeks ago Stockton seconds skipper had been trying unsuccessfully to contact Cooperman on his mobile. Eventually, growing tired of the effort and in danger of contracting repetitive strain injury of one or more digits he took to his car and drove in search of ‘Cooperman’, whom he found imparting his wisdom on group of junior cricketers at the Grangefield Ground.
The latest update on the saga is that although several of Stockton’s less well behaved and more impolite cricketers rang ‘Young Tim’ constantly during his solo performance at the Egglescliffe School leavers concert – The Lord of Ringtones was unperturbed and gave an untainted virtuoso performance of Henry Mancini’s The Pink Panther. Our latest information is that Cooperman’s instrument is now clear from blockages and that he is accepting all calls to his mobile with his customary politeness.
The column will of course report any further movements….
Fear ye not as redemption has recently appeared in the shape of a Harry Potter look-alike. Henceforth 'Stewartisms' will be replaced by 'Cooperisms' and judging by the evidence so far look set to eclipse even 'Wor Baz’s' best.
The Cooper in question is young Tim, not necessarily nice and whilst not unintelligent certainly lacking in sense of the common variety. The column’s young associate despite his habitual appearances for Stockton seconds is not overly renowned for his cricketing capability but more for his expertise on the euphonium. A member of the Tees Valley Youth Orchestra, ‘Cooperman’ was unceremoniously dumped from band camp for plying his younger charges with alcohol. This minor misdemeanour, however, is not our reason for drawing his existence to our reader’s attention. Indeed, our tale stems more from his use or rather misuse of a mobile phone. We must point out that the misuse in question bares no resemblance to the misuse that was inflicted on a similar object by several England footballers.
Several weeks ago Stockton seconds skipper had been trying unsuccessfully to contact Cooperman on his mobile. Eventually, growing tired of the effort and in danger of contracting repetitive strain injury of one or more digits he took to his car and drove in search of ‘Cooperman’, whom he found imparting his wisdom on group of junior cricketers at the Grangefield Ground.
“Tim, have you changed your mobile number?” The skipper enquires.
“No, I’ve lost it” comes the reply.Then comes the stupid question that we are all guilty of asking from time to time,
“Where?”No sarcasm from young Tim – nothing akin to
“Well, if I knew that I would haven’t lost it would I?”He’s far too polite for that sort of retort.
“Well, I haven’t actually lost it. I know where it is. I just can’t get at it at the moment.” He explains.
“Where is it then that you can’t get at it?” Asks the skipper, immediately wishing he hadn’t.
“I’ve dropped it down my euphonium.” Comes the matter of fact response.
“And it’s wedged."
The latest update on the saga is that although several of Stockton’s less well behaved and more impolite cricketers rang ‘Young Tim’ constantly during his solo performance at the Egglescliffe School leavers concert – The Lord of Ringtones was unperturbed and gave an untainted virtuoso performance of Henry Mancini’s The Pink Panther. Our latest information is that Cooperman’s instrument is now clear from blockages and that he is accepting all calls to his mobile with his customary politeness.
The column will of course report any further movements….
posted by Cow Corner at 2:05 PM
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