Have you got a Wicked Side?

The Hetton Boys on the 'Lash' at the Salver Final

Five Go Mad in Scarborough

ONCE again the time has come for the column to become Nomadic for a few days. Our annual pilgrimage to the spas of North Yorkshire is upon us. As is the custom on such occasions we will however be on the trail of any snippets or tidbits that we can report to our reader on our return.

The bendouin tribe set to embark Enid Blyton like on this year's adventure includes the newly wed Philippa Hudson who has packed his caravan and foresaken his new bride (above all others - apparently) in favour of a week plying his trade on the North Yorkshire coastline.

We are told - confidentially of course - that following our recent revelations, Hudson the Younger is threatening all manner of retribution against the column. To be forewarned is to be forearmed, as they say. We await the outcome with bated breath and will of course update our reader on any developments.

Pitch Inspection

I'm not sure whether it's grassed, lightly grassed or bare!

Meet Philippa

FOLLOWING our revelations about the ICC permitting gender changed male cricketers to play in the Ladies' game. The column has received photographic evidence that the practice has already begun. Admittedly, we are not sure that practice is the correct word as there's no going back. However, we understand that a certain well known North East Cricketer dissatisfied with his position in the batting order and unhappy at the number of overs he was been allocated to entice the opposition into suicidal mistakes has gone the whole hog, or should that be sow.

We understand that the cricketer in question now wishes to be know as Philippa and looks forward to welcoming discerning gentlemen with a good sense of humour and a healthy bank balance for games at her new flat in Gateshead. Blue plastic 'kwik cricket' bats are not allowed.

Both Philippa and the column are indebted to our good friend Will Luke at cricinfo.com for pointing us in the direction of this new ICC ruling.

Walking in the Air

Polly's airborne

Knees bent, arms stretched out

Knees bent, arms stretched out, you do the hokey cokey...

Iqqy ducks out of a Tino Best bouncer

Fancy a change?

CALLING all failed Premier League cricketers.

Dissatisfied with your lot at your current club? Not getting the chances you think you deserve? Out of form? Been dropped from Newcastle seconds? Well don't sulk the column's research assistants have discovered a solution for you.

Visit your nearest plastic surgeon. That's right. Rid yourself of John Thomas and welcome on board his best friend for the ICC are now accepting gender-changed men to play women's cricket. We can't dampen our suspicion that this ruling has been in force for a number of years, however our sources within the Ladies' game suggest the law is relatively new.

How many NEPL clubs have Ladies teams we wonder? More poignantly how many more will now form them!

The column's money is on the Mucklasses to come up trumps with the Northern Rockettes in second place.

Brassed Off

OUR READER may remember that we once made much of a spate of ‘faux pas’ from Tynemouth’s prodigal son Barry Stewart. These became colloquially known as 'Stewartisms' and only came to halt when either 'Wor Baz' took to engaging his brain before opening his mouth or the column’s good friend and controller of the Tynemouth Media Machine Russell Perry found bigger fish to fry and moved on to Sky Television.

Fear ye not as redemption has recently appeared in the shape of a Harry Potter look-alike. Henceforth 'Stewartisms' will be replaced by 'Cooperisms' and judging by the evidence so far look set to eclipse even 'Wor Baz’s' best.

The Cooper in question is young Tim, not necessarily nice and whilst not unintelligent certainly lacking in sense of the common variety. The column’s young associate despite his habitual appearances for Stockton seconds is not overly renowned for his cricketing capability but more for his expertise on the euphonium. A member of the Tees Valley Youth Orchestra, ‘Cooperman’ was unceremoniously dumped from band camp for plying his younger charges with alcohol. This minor misdemeanour, however, is not our reason for drawing his existence to our reader’s attention. Indeed, our tale stems more from his use or rather misuse of a mobile phone. We must point out that the misuse in question bares no resemblance to the misuse that was inflicted on a similar object by several England footballers.

Several weeks ago Stockton seconds skipper had been trying unsuccessfully to contact Cooperman on his mobile. Eventually, growing tired of the effort and in danger of contracting repetitive strain injury of one or more digits he took to his car and drove in search of ‘Cooperman’, whom he found imparting his wisdom on group of junior cricketers at the Grangefield Ground.

“Tim, have you changed your mobile number?” The skipper enquires.

“No, I’ve lost it” comes the reply.

Then comes the stupid question that we are all guilty of asking from time to time,

“Where?”

No sarcasm from young Tim – nothing akin to

“Well, if I knew that I would haven’t lost it would I?”

He’s far too polite for that sort of retort.

“Well, I haven’t actually lost it. I know where it is. I just can’t get at it at the moment.” He explains.

“Where is it then that you can’t get at it?” Asks the skipper, immediately wishing he hadn’t.

“I’ve dropped it down my euphonium.” Comes the matter of fact response.

“And it’s wedged."

The latest update on the saga is that although several of Stockton’s less well behaved and more impolite cricketers rang ‘Young Tim’ constantly during his solo performance at the Egglescliffe School leavers concert – The Lord of Ringtones was unperturbed and gave an untainted virtuoso performance of Henry Mancini’s The Pink Panther. Our latest information is that Cooperman’s instrument is now clear from blockages and that he is accepting all calls to his mobile with his customary politeness.

The column will of course report any further movements….

Sledging

OUR research assistants have recently pointed us in the direction of a thread on the NEPL Forum regarding the leading exponents of the dying art of sledging. Sledging according to the column's definition is 'exchanging words with opposition player(s) which can put him (them) off their usual game; it is an attempt to "psych out" an opponent'. We feel we should add that in our humble opinion it should also be humorous which requires the 'sledger' to have a modicum of intelligence and generous supply of wit. Far be it from us to regale our reader with stories of how it was in the good old days, however it is suffice for the column to say that we don't believe calling an opponent by a four letter name requires a great deal of intelligence and entails even less wit.

Notwithstanding our opinions one of the best 'sledges' the column has been privy to hear in recent years took place at Burnhope during the 2003 season. Picture the scene. The North East Durham League Representative team are batting against the full might of the North East Premier League Representative XI - or at least the full might who could be bothered to play at Burnhope. Richard Waite of Stockton is bowling at one end and Stephen Gale then of Chester le Street is bowling at the other. The ball is turning square and the North East Durham League batsmen are having difficulty laying a bat on it. One of the North East Durham League batsman turns to the slip fielders and says,

"We don't have any bowlers like this in our league."

First slip, who shall remain nameless except to say that at the time he was playing for Chester le Street before moving to Gateshead Fell and then to Blaydon replies,

"No mate and we don't have any batsman like you in ours either!"

A sharp response that required a modicum of wit although the column will refrain from making comments regarding the individual's intelligence.

We have also heard - several times at least - of a similar type of incident which took place one night at Annfield Plain when the 'great' Gateshead Fell side of the nineties came to town. The difference on this occasion was that the 'sledging' came from outside the field of play.

The tale goes that the legendary Doug Hudson was bowling to Annfield Plain's Bruce Armstrong, who to use cricketing parlance kept 'carting' him over mid wicket into someone's garden. The householder was none other than former IBF World Cruiser Weight Champion Glen McCrory. McCrory, who had recently built a new conservatory, was quite rightly concerned about one of Armstrong's blows shattering one of his newly installed panes and eventually took to fielding at 'cow corner' albeit ten yards beyond the boundary line and on his lawn. Unfortunately for the hapless Douglas the onslaught continued and it was then that McCrory decided it was high time to throw in the towel.

"Tell the captain to get the fat bastard off from bowling!" he shouted.

"I am the captain" responded the fat bastard.

Armstrong's onslaught continued and the rest, as they say, is history.

Just about sums it up

RECENTLY we have noticed that there has been much speculation as to the whereabouts next season of the eponymously named A Worthy. Several of those who garrulously contribute to the NEPL forum have hinted that a move to the Muckles is on the cards. One daring soul even suggested that the ubiquitous Mr Worthy might be getting a bit long in the tooth for premier league cricket. The column however can squash all rumours of an impending retirement by revealing that Allan - with two ls mind - still has ambitions. Indeed in reference to his recent match winning 94 for Northumberland against Wiltshire, Worthy added:

"That was disappointing because I have never scored a hundred for Northumberland and to have reached four figures would have capped it all." Evening Chronicle

Far be it from us to cast aspersions but we find it difficult to see Lord Muckle allowing Big Al to handle the finances of large client accounts judging by his current grasp of hundreds, tens and units. On the other hand of course, those of you who have received a lawyer's invoice will know that having a secure knowledge of the principles of addition and multiplication is not an entry requirement of the profession.

Moreover our roving paparazzi have provided us with pictorial evidence of Al's ambition to help those less fortunate than himself and although as a doyen of premier league cricket it is difficult to see him moving to another league; our source (or should that be sauce) suggests otherwise.

Impending Nuptials

WE HEAR that one of the North East's more colourful cricketing characters is about tie the knot. Whilst we use the term cricketing loosely it is clear that the impending nuptials of Newcastle lob bowler, Philip Hudson aka "The Heed" will break the hearts of several supermodels throughout the western world. Indeed our source has revealed that Gateshead refuse collection service has extra trucks on standby to handle the imminent break down of his carefully collected harem and the resulting increase in the amount of recyclable glossy magazine paper that will cause. Nevertheless, it is now less than a month before Philip becomes a blushing bridegroom.

Stories abound of the Heed's exploits in the Osborne Road area of the Toon not least that of him recently imbibing several glasses of tequila purchased by his ex Religious Education teacher. Following which he rather ungratefully and extremely irreligiously vomited into the street.

The service is due to take place in Gwent on Saturday 29th July - In true Hogarth tradition, we will keep you informed of "The Rakes' Progress".

Our New Home

SINCE there has been much weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth regarding the Lord Lucan like disappearance of your favourite column we've relocated to a new home. Part of the logic behind this move was based on the assumption that wherever we had access to an Internet connection we could pass on the pearls of our wisdom and also and more importantly any snippets we picked up on our travels.

By way of welcome or a column warming if you prefer - here's a photo that might fill some (well one anyway!!) with awe and dread but more than likely wethinks that this dismissal of Cumberland newest golden boy will cause much hilarity amongst the masses.

TIMBER!!!